We Can't Go Back, We Can Only Go Forward
by tv'slasthope
Summary: More Private Practice than Grey's Anatomy: Set in a possible three years in the future. Derek is distraught after a great event. An emergency phone call from Addison brings him to L.A. and back into her life. What happens when he joins the practice?
1. Chapter 1

**We Can't Go Back, We Can Only Go Forward**

**Main Characters: **Derek Shepherd and Addison Montgomery**.**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own nor make any claim to the television shows Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. These rights belong to Shonda Rhimes and the ABC Television Network.

**Synopsis:** Some times there isn't a road back, we can only knock down what we have, create a new foundation and rebuild. We can only go forward. This is a story for a way for Addison and Derek to get back together.**_____________________________________________________________________________**

**Prologue**

He grasped her hand tightly, pushing back his tears, trying to remain stoic and unfeeling. A weak hand grasped back, a small smile on her bruised, battered and broken face, but causing the rest of her head to hurt her more. Owen and Mark both tired to repair the damage, but unfortunately the two confident surgeons had reached the wall that all surgeons inevitably reached: they were only human and not God or a god. They were only human. They all were. She knew that most of all.

He looked up at the heart monitor for what seemed like the billionth time. He could see that the beats of her heart were becoming weaker, slower and slower. She turned slightly, a tired and weak smile slowly made its way onto her face as she turned to look at him, her eyes glazed with tears, but all she felt was happiness.

"Looks like this is the end, huh?" She said weakly.

"No it's not, you're going to be fine." He replied.

"Liar. You were always bad at telling little lies. I know what's happening, I'm a doctor after all." He tried to laugh, but grief swept over him. She squeezed his hand back with what little strength she had left. "Listen…to me. This is…is not your fault…it's no one's. This is just the luck of the draw."

"Don't talk this way, please." He said, almost begging.

"It's …the reality. You knew that about me as soon as we got married. I…deal with too much reality. Promise me…somet…thing." She asked becoming weaker and weaker.

"Yes, anything." He said.

She took in a deep breath and weakly released it. For a moment he thought she was gone, but then he saw her lips stir.

"Try to be happy, I know…how unhappy you will be. I'm sorry. But please, for your…self and me, try to be…h-happy. If you find…..some…one."

"I don't think I could find anyone who has made me as happy as you. I love you." He said interjecting. She was silent for a moment, released a tear and with what will power and strength she had left, she reached down deep into her core to will herself to speak.

She spoke at a whisper, "If…if …you do…be happy…make each other …happy."

"Meredith?" Derek begged as he looked at the heart monitor and listened as it counted off her last few heart beats.

"Meredith!" Derek yelled. He listened to her breathing and heard it become shallower as her eyes closed, but her mouth was still moving.

"What did you say?" He asked, as he moved his ears closer.

"Mommy." She whispered as the heart monitor suddenly flat lined, the machine making the awful alarm that her heart had stopped. Her doctor and nurses rushed in to try and revive and save her, but he was too distraught, in shock. He did not even feel the strong but assertive hands of Cristina Yang push him away so that they could do their work. But he knew they could do nothing for her. Knowing Meredith, she probably had made up her mind and nothing anyone did would change it.

Derek slowly walked from the room, totally unnoticed by the cavalcade of nurses surrounding Meredith's hospital bed, like ancient religious worshippers surrounding a human sacrifice. He could hear the lead doctor charging the paddles and yelling "Clear!" and ordered the voltage be turned up. He crossed the threshold, but looked back, watching the body of Meredith Grey rise under the shock of the voltage from the paddles, trying to shock her heart back to life.

"Meredith." He whispered as the doctor stopped and listened to the heart monitor. "Goodbye." He whispered as Cristina Yang called the time of death and then watched as she slumped down on the bed in tears and buried her face in Meredith's stomach, grief and anguish washing over her body.

"Derek." He turned to see Izzie Stevens rushing toward him from down the hall, but everything looked like it was moving in slow motion to him.

"She's gone." He said near above a whisper. Izzie collided with him, throwing her arms around him and hugging him.

"She's gone." He said again as he began to cry and Izzie held him tighter. Alex was coming from the other direction, catching up with her. Mark was making his way down as well, followed closely by Lexi.

"It will be okay." Izzie tried to reassure him as she began to cry. Alex appeared, placing his hand on Derek's back and one on Izzie's, unsure of what to do. Mark came to his best friend's side and immediately threw his arm around his shoulders, but Izzie would not release him, holding him all the more tighter.

"You're going to be okay, Derek, we're here." Izzie reassured him, her own tears flowing from her eyes as the sound of the heart monitor was finally turned off in Meredith Grey's room.

*****

_Three Months Later: Los Angeles, California _

**Oceanside Wellness Group: The Office of Violet Turner **

She could suddenly sense the air and mood change in her office. Some instinct, a feeling more, was telling her to get out and away, to save herself. But, the rational side of her brain, her conscience and her training kept her glued in her seat. She uncrossed her legs and sat back as deep as she could in her chair. She controlled her breathing, allowing the air to quietly pass through her nose. She was nervous and she was repressing the urge to vomit all over her rug due to her sudden fear. A fear she did not know was suddenly causing the hair on her arms to stand up.

Violet watched her patient, Richard Osborne, a returned Iraq War veteran; hold himself in a tight embrace as he leaned forward on her couch, crying his eyes out. Richard had been struggling with post traumatic stress disorder due to five consecutive tours in Iraq. Added on top of his troubles, Richard's wife had died giving birth to their first child, who also died due to complications from her mother giving birth. The man had just returned home after his fifth tour and had to watch his wife die in front of him.

Since then, the man, now rocking himself back and forth on her couch, had been suffering from night terrors compounded with his grief. With a bit of courage, Violet moved up in her seat after giving this poor man some space. He had just shouted at her, causing his voice to be heard in the hallway, getting the attention of most of the people outside.

"Richard, why don't we…"

"I SAID DON'T TALK!!!!!" The man yelled again, causing Violet to sit back again, holding up her arms in a non confrontational way.

"Okay, okay." Violet said soothingly, "We'll play it by ear. You talk when you're ready." Violet said reassuringly. The man suddenly seemed to calm, and he immediately sat still, but still held himself in a tight embrace. His breathing started to slow and become more and more soft and normal. Violet took it as a good sign that the tension in the room could be broken and returned to a more normal pace.

"I still see them." The man suddenly said.

"Who, Richard?" Violet asked calmly.

"My Jenny…I see her doing just fine and then…a bullet comes and then THERE IS JUST FIRE AND PAIN and…"

"Richard, what you are experiencing is not uncommon. But you can come through this, but one of the things you have to do first is-"

"It's too much." Richard said, cutting Violet off. His interruption suddenly accompanied by an ungodly clicking sound that broke and echoed through her office. Violet felt her heart fall down to her ankles as her eyes widened. The familiar clicking sound of a gun being cocked caused all the blood to leave her face and her body unable to move. The man slowly rose before her and then to sit back down. Violet never took her eyes off her patient's H & K USP compact hand gun, in his hands.

"Richard, what are you doing with that gun?" Violet asked near above a whisper.

"It's too much, just too much." Richard stood, walked a few feet and sat back down so that he was sitting closer to Violet. "I don't want to hurt you, Dr. Turner." Richard said, tears falling from his eyes.

"That's…that's good, Richard. I don't," Violet took a moment to swallow the lump in her throat, "don't want you to hurt yourself either. So, why don't you…"

"You're very sweet." Richard said cutting her off. The man seemed too calm down and breathed more calmly and he wiped the tears from his eyes. He turned his head slowly, a look of lucidity on his face that momentarily convinced Violet that maybe what ever was bothering him had subsided enough. Violet suddenly realized she was holding on to a breath that she had not released yet.

"I know you're a good person, Dr. Turner. I know you care." He said looking her in the eye. "But the truth of the matter is, Doctor, you can't fix me. No one can." Richard held the gun up to his temple.

"NO!" Violet yelled as her patient pulled the trigger, releasing a round into the right side of his temple. Blood spattered onto Violet's clothes and face and the man slumped forward and fell onto to the floor, pushing her coffee table out of the way as he did. Violet had not realized that both of her hands rested firmly on the chair arms and that she had brought her feet up to her chin, staring directly at the spot where her patient had just been sitting.

"Did I hear a gun…" Naomi said, trailing off as she entered Violet's office, coming onto the scene of Violet scared stiff and her patient's body on the floor.

"Oh my God, Violet, are you alright?" Naomi said as she rushed to her and pulled her into an embrace. Violet didn't respond, she was still staring at where her patient had been sitting just seconds ago.

"What? Oh My God! Violet!" Addison called as she, Pete, Sam and Dell suddenly appeared, running into her office. Addison made her way over to the other side of her chair, taking her other hand. Sam immediately ran to the body lying on the floor.

"Violet!" Cooper yelled in concern and fear as he came in, only to see Violet sitting in fear. Her office was soon full of noise from patients and other people wanting to see what happened.

"Dell, call 911!" Naomi yelled.

"Is that…" Pete began.

"It's his blood." Violet shot out, still unable to move a muscle. Sam was already down at the man's side, turning him over and examining him.

"Is he dead?" Addison asked in shock.

"No, I still have a pulse." Sam replied as he grabbed dozens of tissue from a near by tissue box to stop the bleeding from the man's head. "Pete, I'm going to need a scrub towel, now. And someone tell Dell to hurry up with that ambulance. We might be able to help this guy!"

******

"Well if this guy isn't the luckiest guy in the world, I don't know who is?" Charlotte King said, walking out of the X-ray room with the patient's x-rays.

"What do you mean by that?" Addison asked.

"Take a look for yourself." Charlotte replied as she put the prints up on the light so that they could all see."

"That is lucky." Sam said, moving in for a closer look along with Addison. The bullet which Richard, the patient, had been trying to kill himself with, had lodged itself into the temporal bone, but it had not penetrated the brain.

"This guy is still alive." Addison said in disbelief.

"But in pain." Charlotte interjected, "If he could feel any right now. He's in a coma."

"He still should be operated on, that bullet shouldn't stay in there. It could affect his speech, his motor functions, his memory-" Sam began to list.

"Not to mention keeping him in pain." Addison adjured.

"Well, you're going to need someone who is world class. I don't have a surgeon here, that I trust enough, to do the job well." Charlotte informed them.

"World class you say?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, a neurosurgeon. They're the only one's I would trust with something like this."

"I see. Well, I think we know where we can find one." Sam said looking at Addison with a small grin. A look of anguish and melancholy immediately took over Addison's face as she realized who Sam was referring to. A man she thought she would never ask of anything ever again. But now, she knew if this guy stood any kind of chance to live, she would have to make this one important phone call.

"Derek, I know. I'll call him." Addison said slowly as she walked quickly from the examining room. In her mind she was battling herself, telling herself to get Naomi to call Derek, but she realized that she had to be the one to call. Oh God, she said to herself; please let him pick up, I need him to. This in not like when Archer was sick.

Would Derek even consent to come this time? She had not really been in contact with him that much since the time of Archer's sickness. For all she knew he had babies with Meredith. Yes, Addison, thought to herself; this was going to be a phone call that she was just going to dread. He was quite clear after the divorce that he never wanted to see her again. The time with Archer trumped that. But, this time, it was something different.

End of Part I.


	2. Chapter 2

_Three Months Later: Seattle, Washington_

**Seattle Grace Hospital**

"Coming through!" Izzie announced as she raised her files over her head when she came across a thick throng of people. Many interns as well as first year residents got out of her way. The fearful ones afraid of her voice or afraid she would trample right over them immediately moved out of her way, even though they were not in the way. Izzie Stevens' walk had gained a new purpose and determination as she barreled down the hallways of Seattle Grace Hospital. Many things had changed with her gaining the position of Chief Resident. For starters, her husband Alex had succeeded her as director of the free clinic, so that she could focus more on her new duties as well as help free up their time to see their baby girl grow up.

Secondly, she owed her new position to Miranda Bailey, who was now the Chief of Surgery. Or rather, she is now the Co-Chief of Surgery, seeing as Richard Webber was extremely reluctant to give up his old job and his practice. But she was slowly making him accept his retirement and she was slowly gaining full control of the hospital. Things were even going well for Richard Webber. He and his wife Adele were still together and both of them had decided to adopt two young children, a boy and a girl. The presence of the two children had seemed to help them both reconcile better and they both were ever so proud of both of them. Things were never better between Richard and Adele.

"Izzie." Miranda called, her arms folded as she stared at the surgery schedule board.

"Dr. Bailey." Izzie replied with a smile, stopping to look over her shoulder.

"You're scaring the interns." Bailey replied, quickly moving up to the board, erasing some names and then writing new ones.

"Yes." Izzie replied.

"I've taught you well." Bailey replied with a smile, turning to walk in step with Izzie.

"I use what works." Izzie replied with a smile as she hurried down the hall.

"Just don't knock anyone important down, Karev!" Bailey called after her. Izzie quickly turned her head, to look back at Bailey as she walked down that hall.

"That's Stevens-Karev to you!" Izzie replied as she disappeared down another corridor of the hallway. Bailey smiled to herself with pride. Gone was Izzie's fears and shyness, she had grown into a strong confident woman, cancer no where in sight. Bailey turned back to the white board, carefully checking over it one more time, unable to take her eyes off it. She wanted to make sure that everything fit in its right place and that it each scheduled surgery began on time smoothly and correctly.

Miranda turned her head to the right and then left, where was that intern? Since taking on the duties of the Chief of Surgery, or rather slowly taking them because Richard Webber refused to leave, Miranda had gotten use to all of the perks of her new position. The one new perk being the intern to the chief, the one position Miranda thought was the best creation of Richard Webber's tenure.

"Dr. Bailey! Dr. Bailey!" Came the nervous, tired and worried voice of the intern in question, her voice a few octaves above the din of the crowded surgical hall. She desperately held onto to files under her arm and a cup of coffee in her other hand. Pens, pencils and sticky notes stuck out of the breast pocket of her lab coat.

"Speak of the devil." Bailey said to herself, turning to face her young intern, Alisha Fisher, race up to her, barely holding on to her files. Alisha was young and cute with red blondish hair. Bailey immediately picked her out of the new crowd of interns from the beginning of the year. She was some what clumsy, but Miranda felt confident that she could help the kid shake off that nervous exterior and become more confident.

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Bailey, its just the test results you ordered were late and I had to wait and they couldn't make it go any faster –

"Wait, the people down in testing and x-ray kept you waiting?" Bailey asked.

"Um, yes, but –"

"Alisha, you are the intern to the chief, the next time someone tells you to wait, you give' em hell, you understand?!"

"Yes ma'am." Alisha replied quickly.

"Good, now give me those x-rays." Bailey demanded as the young doctor handed them to her immediately. "Waited long enough." Bailey said to herself as she held them up to the light so that she could see them. The young girl nervously waited next to her when a cell phone rang, causing her to jump and drop the coffee cup she was holding.

"Alisha, get a hold of yourself." Bailey ordered.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Bailey, the phone went off and…I know I'm tense and-" Alisha was bending down, trying to take care of the spill while the cell phone continued to ring and ring in her pocket. Miranda sighed.

"Alisha, the phone." Bailey reminded her.

"Oh." Alisha said, reaching into her pocket, removing the phone and handing it to Bailey. Bailey shook her head, considering whether or not to do away with the intern to the chief position. Bailey took the phone and opened it.

"This is Dr. Bailey, Chief of Surgery." She asked.

"Hello, Miranda, it's Addison."

"Dr. Montgomery, what a surprise. Is this phone call business or pleasure?" Bailey asked.

"At the moment I wish it were a social call, cause I very much want to talk to you about how you made chief and is it recent? And I want to tell you how much you deserve it. But, that's not why I'm calling."

"Business it is then. How can I help today?" Miranda asked.

"I've got a very serious head trauma down here in L.A. a patient tried to commit suicide."

"That's never a good thing to hear." Miranda interjected.

"No, it's not. However, the patient's attempt failed. He is still alive, how ever he now has a bullet lodged in his brain, near the temporal bone to be exact. There's swelling now and we are also concerned that a clot might be forming."

"Sounds serious, but what do you need from me? Or more specifically, who do you need from me?" Miranda inquired further.

"Well, I was trying to call Derek for the last two hours. I've called his cell a number of times, but it's gone straight to voicemail every time. That's why I'm calling you, to ask if you can grab a hold of him and send him down here."

Miranda looked back and forth down the hallways, suddenly unsure of what to say or how to proceed with the conversation.

"I don't know about Derek, Addison." Bailey began to say as she darted around a nurse's station to sit down, her feet suddenly bothering her as she realized she had been standing for too long.

"Oh come on, Miranda, it's not like I'm going to steal him, I don't think I would ever be successful."

"It's not that." Miranda replied.

"I won't be asking him for any favors, I know he'd rather not do that again. But, I've got a very serious head injury down here and I and two other doctors agree that the best surgeon to handle it is a neurosurgeon. And Derek's the best, so can you get a hold of him for me please." Addison asked with a forcefulness in her voice that she realized she was suddenly using.

"I hear you, Addison, but is it alright if I send you someone else or refer you to another doctor?"

"Okay, it's not like you to be elusive, Miranda. Or, for you to try to fight Derek's battles for him. Now I want to hear from him in at least the next half hour. The patient is deteriorating rapidly."

"Addison, I would love to send Derek down to you, but I can't right now."

At that moment, unbeknownst to Bailey, Mark Sloan was walking up to the nurse's station, filling out a patient's chart, listening in as best he could as he heard Bailey say Addison's name. He also took a moment to take a flirting look at Bailey's intern with his eyes. He smiled when he got her to blush and then went back to listening to what Bailey was saying that had Derek as a subject of conversation.

"Well, why can't you send him? This is something totally up his ally."

"Because Derek has taken a leave of absence from the hospital and no one has seen nor heard from him in the last three months. Love to send him down to you, but even I can't get a hold of him."

"What? Derek never takes leaves of absences. Why isn't he there? I need him. Down here. A.S.A.P. Like in the next few hours soon as possible." Addison said almost pleading.

"I –'' Sloan reached over the counter of the nursing station and swiped the phone out of Bailey's hand, seeing the look of indecision written all over her face.

"Hey!" Bailey yelled, trying to follow after the phone, but Sloan already had the phone up to his ear.

"Adds, it's Mark, long time no see." Mark greeted.

"Mark, put Bailey back on the phone, I was having an important conversation with her."

"Yeah, I know, and I'm sure you heard about Derek being on a leave of absence and I interrupted to tell you that I'm going to make sure he gets down there. I'm going to give you back to Bailey and then I'm going to leave the hospital, possibly with help, go to Derek's, get him off his drunk ass, clean him up and then send him with a ticket down to L.A. I suggest you pick him up around five. Give or take."

Mark handed the phone back to Bailey, leaving a stunned and confused Addison on the phone. He began to take his coat off as he walked away from the nurse's station.

"I'll be back in two hours." He said in a firm and determined voice.

"Where are you going?" Miranda demanded to know.

"Where do you think? To Derek's, I'm going to do what I told Adds I'd do, get his drunk ass off the floor."

"She's doesn't know what happened." Miranda protested.

"I assume you're about to tell her. Do it. You let me handle, Derek." Mark replied, turning to leave the hospital. Miranda tossed her head back and forth, seeing as how she couldn't stop Mark from leaving.

"Give him a swift kick in the rear for me too." She called after him.

"Will do." Mark called back. Bailey smiled, shaking her head and then returned the phone to her ear, she could hear Addison on the other end, saying hello and calling for either her or Mark.

"It's Bailey, it looks like I'll be able to send Derek after all."

"That's fine, but what was Mark talking about 'Derek being on his drunk ass' all about? Did something happen between him and Meredith again in their big love triangle drama life?" Addison asked sarcastically.

"Meredith died." Bailey replied. Addison almost dropped the phone on the other end in surprise, but it did not stop her elbow from landing on her desk in surprise, her eyes wide open. Her sudden move surprised Naomi and Sam.

"She…when, when did this happen?" Addison asked.

"She died three months ago." Bailey replied, "Three months ago to the day. That's why he's been M.I.A."

*****

Mark almost ripped the door off of Derek's trailer and then marched in and then quickly wanted to march out when he got a whiff of the place. He put his elbow over his nose. Had the man, in his grief, stopped showering? This really had gone on long enough. Of course he wouldn't say that out loud.

"Derek!" Mark said very loudly, seeing the dispensed bottles and glasses all over the floor, table and cabinets. The half finished house outside the trailer with a blue plastic covering where a roof should be was a great indication of Derek's state.

"Go away!" A muffled voice replied, buried under blankets and pillows.

"Get up, you're going to L.A." Mark ordered, as he began to move clothes and other things out of the way."

"The hell I'm not." Derek replied, Mark hearing that he sounded more drunk then tired.

"Buddy, this is pathetic. You've been around here long enough. Time to go be a doctor again. Now get up!" Mark ordered.

"I'm not going to the city where satan resides and I didn't ask you to come over. Now go away." Derek replied.

"You've been divorced for a while, I think you can start calling her Addison again." Mark replied.

"You shouldn't talk, home wrecker." Derek burped under the covers. "God that smells awful, I think I'm going to be sick. …Again."

"Derek, get up!" Mark yelled, trying to pull the covers off of Derek, but was met with fierce resistance as Derek pulled back on the sheets.

"Go away!" Derek ordered.

"Are you naked under there?" Mark asked, in disbelief at how low his friend had fallen.

"What do you care? You haven't switched teams have you? Now go away and leave me alone."

"Fine! You don't want to get up? Well, you've made this a hell of a lot easier." Mark said, storming out of the trailer and outside.

"What easier?" Derek called after him as Mark left the trailer. Mark stormed around outside, looking back and forth for the one object he could use. He saw a tall bucket, left by one of the workers of Derek's house. Mark rushed over to the construction sight, grabbed it, turned it over and dumped what contents were in it. He then ran back to the trailer, a small smile slowly appearing on his face. He walked over to the stream next to Derek's trailer, dumped the bucket into the water and filled it to the brim.

The bucket was heavy now, but Mark knew he could handle it and it didn't interfere too much with his walking. He lifted it up and grunted all the way back to the porch of Derek's trailer, he huffed the stairs, opened the door and walked back into the trailer, spilling some water on to the floor as he walked..

"Told you to go away!" Derek called out.

"Just remember that you brought this on yourself." Mark called back as he placed his right hand under the bucket as he reached the threshold of the entry way to Derek's bed. With a grunting effort, Mark heaved the contents of the bucket, the water flying right at Derek's covered body.

"What-" Derek began to ask as his body was met with icy cool water, splashing all over him and his bed. Mark threw the bucket on the floor, opened the shower and turned on the water.

"DAHHHH!!!!!" Derek yelled as he felt the water splash all over him and his bed. He immediately began to rise up, he was going to beat the crap out of Mark. But, he was suddenly tackled by Mark who pulled him out of the bed.

"We could have avoided this, but you had to do things your way, remember." Mark patronized as he kept part of the blanket over Derek's head, preventing him from fighting back and throwing any punches at him. Derek struggled back, but Mark had him covered up, which prevented him from using his fists. The fact that he was hung over as well didn't help either. Mark dragged Derek to the shower, opened the door and pulled the blankets off of him.

"Time to rejoin the world, Derek." Mark said as he pushed him into the shower. Derek hit his shoulder against the wall and fell down slowly against the wall, crunching up into a ball on the floor as the cold water bounced off of him. Mark reached in and turned on the hot water, so that the shower would at least be warm. Mark leaned down so that he was eye level with Derek.

"This is the first and only time I'm going to do this for you. You are going to get showered. You will wash yourself. I will find your razor and shaving cream and you will shave off that beard. I'm going to go through your things and find you some clean clothes. I will then pack your suitcase. By the time I'm done with that, you better be out of the shower and ready to put on some clean clothes. You got that?" Mark said in a slow and angry voice.

Derek looked at Mark incredulously, comprehending how Mark had manhandled him.

"Why are you doing this?" Derek asked.

"Because it's been three months, Derek. Three months! In that time, Stevens and Karev had a baby girl. In that time, Miranda became Chief of Surgery. In that time, Webber and his wife adopted kids. In that time, Cristina got married to Owen. And during that time you've drunken yourself into a pathetic stupor and not been a doctor. In that time, life moved on and now it's time for you to do so as well. And I won't have you cry your days away and run away from your problems like that time you tried to stop being my best friend. Now you are getting cleaned up and you are going to L.A. and you are going to perform surgery! Surgery! Surgery on some…guy…I think. Anyway, you're going to help Addison, whether you like it or not. Now clean up and get dressed. We'll get you some coffee on our way to the airport." Mark concluded as he began to close the shower door.

"Mark." Derek said, the water falling down all over him.

"What?" Mark asked annoyed.

"I'm very intimidated by you right now." Derek replied.

"Yeah?" Mark asked.

"It's a side of you I didn't know you had in you."

"Well, I surprise even myself sometimes. Now get cleaned up!" Mark ordered as he closed the shower door and turned to walk back into Derek's room to perform the task he said he would do.

**_____________________________________________________________________________**

End of Part II.


	3. Chapter 3

Addison paced back and forth in her office, a knot forming in her stomach filled with anxiety and nervousness. Her ex-husband, Derek Shepherd, was coming to her city. She definitely knew this was going to be a charged and uncomfortable rendezvous. Her ex-husband is coming, her ex-husband who just lost his wife, Meredith Grey. A woman she had sparred with for his love and affections in the past, and ultimately lost him to. Addison lost her own husband to another woman through her own neglect, selfishness, and her own bad decisions that caused everything.

"What are you worried about?" Naomi asked, "Sam is going to go to the airport to pick up Derek. You won't even have to see him."

Addison turned from her pacing, her hands flaying in the air, "Please, Nae, its Derek! One way or another, he and I manage to meet up with each other."

"Addison, it's been five years since your divorce, I think you both can be civilized human beings by now."

"You don't know Derek like I do. That year leading up to the divorce…It was brutal. Sure there were some happy moments we shared, but in the end…it all just came tumbling down. Now, there's always going to be that memory hanging over us whenever we see each other. It'll never go away!" Addison sighed, plopping herself down roughly next to Naomi, causing the cushions of her couch to bounce up and then down.

"Addison, things worked out well between you both during Archer's sickness and dozens of other times. I think you're obsessing way too much over nothing." Naomi retorted. Addison leaned forward and clutched her hands together.

"Maybe, but I just have this feeling that he's going to find something in me that he won't like."

"What won't he like? What do you mean?" Naomi inquired further.

Addison began to move her head back and forth, "Something I'm thinking I know he'll pick up on. I'll try to hide it, but he'll discover it and zero in on it and hold it against me for the rest of my life."

"Addie, what are you afraid that he will pick up on? It's been a few years since you've seen him. For God sakes, he's the one who practically ended your marriage." Addison couldn't bring herself to look at Naomi, who suddenly saw Addison's unchanged posture, how she was looking at the floor, as if she were ashamed of something. "Addison?" Naomi prompted. Addison looked to her right and then stared back at center.

"When…I was talking to Miranda Bailey, she told me that…" Addison felt like her words were suddenly catching in her throat, why was it bothering her? It shouldn't, not after all this time, perhaps it was the memories that came carried with the word. Naomi waited patiently for Addison to get past the ball in her throat. "That Derek's wife, the one he married after me…died."

"Oh my God." Naomi said, placing her hand over the top of her chest.

"I know, I know, he must be feeling terrible and alone and…broken hearted. I got that impression from Mark after Bailey told me. He's been dealing with this for three months. Don't get me wrong, I'm not love sick or anything."

"I don't think you're love sick, Addie. But it is natural for your thought's to go there. You were married to him for eleven years. Before Sam and I got back together, our priest told us that we would always be married."

"So you're saying that a part of me will always be married to him?"

"Maybe, but it is okay to feel bad for him, Addison." Naomi suddenly saw Addison's face tense up, something that was not regret, but a look of being uncomfortable. "Or is there something more to it?" Naomi prompted further.

"I feel like I'm having a terrible thought that I shouldn't be having." Addison replied meekly.

"Such as what for instance? What kind of thought?" Naomi asked further. Addison inhaled sharply and smoothed her hands out over her face.

"When Bailey told me that she…that Meredith died, I was surprised, but a part of me wasn't entirely upset about hearing about her death."

"What was that part feeling?" Naomi asked. Addison sighed again and put her hands in her lap, and on top of one another. She looked at Naomi with a dead pan face.

"Part of me is glad that she's dead. And the rest of me, well, the rest of me is shocked that I would even consider or think such a thought."

*****

"You know you didn't actually have to come with me." Derek said as he sat uncomfortably in his seat, he felt cramped, hung over and dizzy. He was irritable and mad, mad that Mark had to basically take him kicking and screaming to the airport.

"Of course I did, you big baby. You would have found a way out of it." Mark replied feeling bored as he flipped through a magazine that held no interest or purpose for him.

"What about your surgeries?" Derek asked.

"Nothing life threatening, they can wait another day. Drink your coffee." Mark ordered.

"You know I'm not an invalid, you don't have to tell me what to do right now."

"Of course I still do, Miranda agrees with me." Mark said a few octaves louder. Derek grabbed his head, "You're a big baby and now I'm going to force you to be an adult again."

"Now I know why Lexi broke up with you." Derek replied, taking out a bottle of aspirin and pouring its contents into his hand to take them.

"That kid deserved to be with someone her own age, not me. She taught me enough about myself. I didn't want to get involved in the whole drama of Grey."

"A woman taught you something?" Derek asked.

"Shut up and get rid of your hang over. You gotta do surgery when you land." Mark ordered again, annoyed that he started the same paragraph for the fifth time in his magazine. Derek took a sip of his coffee and looked out the window.

"I miss her." Derek said near a whisper. Mark looked out of the corner of his eye and then returned to his magazine.

"I know you do. You've mourned her and you're still mourning her now. But it's no excuse for dropping off the face of the world."

"I just lost the love of my life; I think I deserve a little sympathy."

"Derek, I know you think I'm being un-empathetic, but I gave you my complete sympathies three months ago. I still feel bad, but we both know that if Meredith were here right now, she wouldn't want to see you as low as you've been. She did once and you were a complete jerk. Trust me she would have wanted me to do what I did today."

"I think you've made your point." Derek replied, looking out the window, and then quickly shutting it when the light hurt his eyes too much. Mark leaned back in his cramped seat, readjusted his position and then flipped to another article.

"I know you don't feel up to it right now, but you've got to start living again. Who knows," Mark said turning to look at Derek who met his gaze, "Maybe you'll just wind up thanking me for something because I made you go to Los Angeles?"

"Doubt that." Derek replied as he took another sip of his coffee.

"Pessimist." Mark mocked.

"Man whore." Derek retorted.

******

Addison leaned against the threshold of Pete's office, crossed her arms across herself and looked around. Shelves that were once filled with books, non medical of course, and herbs, plants and other non western forms of medicine were now off of the shelves. Boxes in neat little rows were lined up near the door. There were only two unopened boxes left, all they required were to be taped shut. All that remained was an empty desk, some chairs, a couch and an examining table. It looked like Pete was almost done.

"I'm sensing a deep anxiety from you." Pete said, causing Addison to jump, as he came up behind her. Addison turned annoyed, giving a look of annoyance mixed with bemusement, bemusement that had found its way onto her as time went by.

Pete smiled as he walked by her and back into his office. "Admit it; you're going to miss me when you're gone." Pete turned, a roll of tape in his hand which he pointed at Addison, "And then your only reason for coming down here will be gone and you'll have to start back at square one."

"You have got to learn to stop flattering yourself. In truth, I won't miss you."

"You're trying to be hurtful, Addison. That's going to mess with your Karma." Pete retorted.

"Please, I've got enough Karma to go around without infecting you."

"Well, you should know, I've got a dolly outside my office and I need only, put the tape on these last two boxes." Pete unraveled a strand and placed it on the box, preparing to seal it. "So, you have until I seal these boxes and put all these remaining boxes on the dolly and get them to the elevator. Then I'm gone, and you'll have to find someone else to confide all the deep dark secrets you can't tell Naomi and Violet."

"We've never had that kind of relationship before." Addison reminded him.

"That's never prevented us from making out. That was the best part." Pete said with a smile as he sealed the last box and put it on top of the one he sealed before.

"Now I remember why I never had sex with you, you were just all about the sex." Addison laughed.

"Not all the time, we had a few conversations in between." Pete reminded her as he carried the boxes to the dolly outside the door. He then moved back in and began to pick up the remaining boxes one at a time.

"So, there's nothing neither I, nor Sam or Naomi can do to persuade you to stay." Pete looked back and smiled as he picked up another box.

"Nope, I'm afraid not." Pete said as he went and put the box on the dolly.

"Come on, Pete, you're a good doctor, don't leave us again like this." Pete retrieved another box, only three remained in the room.

"I can't, Addison. It's changed too much around here. I've changed. I want to do something else, try different things, and meet different people."

"You're a doctor and you'll always be a doctor." Addison reminded him. Pete lifted another box, only one remained on the floor.

"You see, that's why I don't think we ever could have made it work." Pete said.

"What?" Addison said surprised.

"You're stuck in this idea that you can only be one thing in your life. That's okay for most people, but not everyone. You love being a doctor, I like to branch out. You, you're comfortable. I like what I do, but I'm not in love with it like you are." While Pete was saying this, he had placed the box on the dolly, gone to retrieve the last one and placed it on the dolly. "This isn't about finding my self or what I've done before. I know who I am and what I want."

"What do you want? Just out of curiosity?" Addison asked.

"To be married again, find someone I can really trust, and love deeply and have children with. I want to have a family and leave my old womanizing ways behind me. And…try new things and meet new people." Pete replied as he handed Addison the key to his office and turned off the lights. He began to move the dolly toward the elevator.

"Those are things that I want too." Addison said, following him.

"Of course you do, I know you want them, but you keep pushing them off and off. You can't be like that forever. You either have to become one in whole and be little in another, or vice versa."

"What?" Addison asked.

"You can either be a doctor and have your family on the side, or have the family and be the doctor on the side. You can't be both, it's impossible. You need to create some kind of balance, and you don't have that yet."

"So, you're saying you've wanted a relationship with me the whole time, but couldn't because I'm…unbalanced." Addison tested.

"In a way, yes, that's what I see about you." Pete replied as he hit the elevator button. Strong words of truth were always hard for Addison to hear, it struck her right through her soul and heart. Addison looked away, somewhat in pain and upset. "But I'm also not saying that you are incapable of love, Addison. I know you could have loved me, but you didn't fall in love with me. You will fall in love, but it won't be with me and that's the reality of the situation." Pete could hear the elevator coming up.

"My ex-husband is coming to the city today and I just learned that the woman he divorced me for just recently…died."

"Whoa, now I know where all that anxiety was coming from. So you're scared to see your ex?"

"Not him, just to meet the storm that will be around us. He'll know I hate that woman and as soon as I see him he'll hate me for hating her and then everything will be uncomfortable." Addison said quickly.

"That is a lot for you to deal with should it come to that." Pete replied as the elevator doors opened and he wheeled the dolly in.

"That's all you've got to say? I just bore my soul to you and that's all you have to say." Addison said protesting.

"You'll know what to say when the time is right. You'll be fine." Pete replied. Addison placed both her hands on her waist and then looked to her right and then back at Pete, her hair swirling back as well.

"You know, I'm glad you're going." Addison replied with a smile.

"Thanks, I'll miss you too and our little conversations." Pete replied as the doors began to close. Addison smiled back at him as he waved good bye to her. She waved back as the doors closed. She sighed as she looked up to the ceiling. Now she knew something that she didn't know before when she was talking to Naomi. A part of her didn't hate Meredith Grey, all of her hated Meredith Grey.

"Damn you, Pete." Addison said as she turned to walk back to her office. If she saw Derek at all today, this was going to wind up being more than bad if he deduced that she hated Meredith Grey. "Damn, damn, damn!" She said to herself as she walked down the hall. "Okay, enough of that!" Addison said to herself, "You're bigger than that and you swore to never think of the woman again or let her invade your thoughts." Addison shook her head, "Wonderful." She said to herself as she entered her office.


End file.
